i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
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