So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
false alarm. still invincible.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
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There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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