i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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