rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
