i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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