She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Randomize
