I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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