Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Randomize
