the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Randomize
