Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
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