barbara walters just said penis...
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Randomize
