Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Maybe he injected his testicle?
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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