Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Randomize
