MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
