So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
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