Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
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