omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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