You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
