i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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