I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Randomize
