she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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