and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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