My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Randomize
