I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I could fuck to npr.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
