I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
