around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
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