wakey wakey hands off snakey
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Randomize
