i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
