Her vagina should come with caution tape.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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