I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
