I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
A+ Viking dick
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
