I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
