this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
