dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
