I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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