took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
