You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
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