Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
