I met the friendliest cop last night
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
