Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Randomize
