i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
