a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
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