Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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