theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
