i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.