I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
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Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
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Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.