True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Randomize
