I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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