I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
