i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
