Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I think I died a long time ago.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
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