well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
