your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
