Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
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