I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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