he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
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