dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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