Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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