why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Randomize
