I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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