Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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