It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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